Solitary lover - The one I could never be

If only I could be
A solitary lover...

Confined to the walls of my own heart
Never looking beyond myself
Seeking no destiny...
On an uncertain path, content.

If love could be so wild,
So confident, so free
If a poet could be the poem
Have faith in melancholy...

If love could be my rebellion
My struggle to be free from myself
If love could be a liberator
A messiah,
Benevolent, noble...  

If only I knew,
My lover is same as me
If I could listen to the universe,
If only I could believe...

But the flesh seeks flesh,
And eyes want an image
Hallucinated, I dream
My journey, no pilgrimage

In my nomadic wandering
I revel in pain
Wanton, disillusioning
Real, and yet so vain...

If only I could be Ghalib
Or Rumi, Gibran, Shams...
I could have spoken to my heart's content
I could have loved just words...

Or Heer, Sahiba or Laila
Meera, I could have been
If only I trusted love
Could get the better of me...

But look at me,
A mere mortal
I fear, I seek returns
I look for you,
My muse,
Unaware of my own existence...

Do I exist?
I ask myself
'I' is an illusion they say
Do you exist?
Who would I ask
Hopes, disarray

But in this moment,
Of desire,
I seek peace
In an eternal fire...
There's longing, and faith
The bitter-sweet poison...

I cannot fight both

Do I surrender to one?

Lovers are never apart
And never together they can be
Misled on a path not taken
I search once more for me...

~Saba